By Jack James
I went on a new diet this past week. My plans were great. Like Nancy Reagan told the kids back in the 1980s, “Just Say No!” That should be easy right? I mean, didn’t tens of thousands of American teenagers stop using drugs instantly after uttering the verbal command of NO!? So I thought I’d try it. By bedtime I had said no to the largest breakfast item at Burger King (they just opened on Phoenix and they were on the way back home from the doctor’s office), leftover meatloaf (now its time had about sailed as a leftover), six pieces of pizza (hey, this is on my wife Shelley. She brought it home for supper and had choices of toppings), more than a dozen snack-sized Reeses Cups, Kit Kat Bars and Hershey Bars (leftover from Halloween-they might get old), two pieces of homemade Chocolate Krispy Candy (can’t afford to make the cook angry), two Cokes and a couple of glasses of tea.
As it turns out, I can’t be told no. Like her husband’s Trickle Down Economic Plan, Just Say No was a program that worked either. But something needs to happen before I reach the “Round as He Is Tall Club.” I don’t think I could come back from that. I mentioned this while drinking coffee one day and had made the remark that if something wasn’t done, they would have to hold the lid on my coffin closed with bungee cords and Gorilla Glue. One of my good buddy’s, Jimmy Dan Ray, consoled me. He said, “Don’t worry Jack. Once they get the bull**** out of you, they can bury you in a shoebox.” That did it.
So I am developing a new diet plan that will most likely sweep the nation. I like to call it the “E-Harmony Diet Plan.” It’s based on the commercial on television where a lurking older man questions a young attractive woman. Evidently the program has a list of several hundred deeply personal questions. It is my opinion that there are many things even a date doesn’t need to know about you before they are too far into the relationship and too invested to bail.
Tonight I attended the Thanksgiving supper for the members of my church, Enterprise Freewill Baptist. This house of worship is nestled in the upper northeast corner of Sebastian County where surrounding citizens have lived for several generations. Now I stuck with my “Lose a Ton Diet Plan” all day until I opened the doors to that Fellowship Hall. Temptation should not rear its sinful head in a house of God, but laid out before me was a complete feast. Alene made her famous coconut cream pie; a pie so good that even the preacher steals a piece and hides it in the cabinet before the meal begins. Crock pots filled with buttery mashed potatoes, cornbread dressing, and macaroni and cheese that is so cheesy that even Wisconsin will realize there is a shortage of cheddar in the morning. Ham, turkey, chicken sacrificed themselves to showcase the buffet table.